When my dad passed away, my mom did something that surprised all of us.
She started going back to church every day.
Now, I’m not a religious person. But when I heard she was making this move, I was supportive. Because I know what she was really seeking wasn’t just a sermon, it was connection. Community. Familiar faces. A place to belong with people.
That’s the good news.
The not-so-good news? She hasn’t really found it yet.
I asked her if she’d met anyone new. She mentioned one older woman, “a nice lady,” but no one else. “There are affinity groups I could join,” she told me, “but you have to make the effort to go to those.”
And that’s when it hit me.
This wasn’t just a reflection of my mom’s hesitance. It was a failure of the church’s design.
It’s 2025. If someone in their 80s is brave enough to walk into a new environment alone, especially after a major life change, the community’s job isn’t to wait for them to raise their hand. The community’s job is to go to them.
In fact, this is true for any new member of a community.
The First 90 Days Matter More Than Anything
In Dance Floor Theory™, we talk a lot about what it takes to build a Culture of Connection™. One of the core tenets: you don’t ask your least engaged members to make the first move. You bring the experience to them.
You want to know how to engage new members? It starts with what we call the door greeter strategy.
- A warm welcome.
- An instant human connection.
- And most importantly, someone who connects the newcomer to other people in the room.
If I were consulting with this church, here’s what I’d tell them:
- Station intentional door greeters. Not just hand-shakers, but people trained to spot new faces every week.
- Have a simple conversation after the sermon. Not long. Just warm. “Hey, I saw you were new…” Bonus points if you follow my C.A.T.S.I. system for conversations.
- Facilitate connections. Door greeters should suggest 1–3 members to meet based on shared age, interests, or life stage. Introduce them via email and again in person as soon as possible.
- Build the 90-day connection window. For the first three months, have greeters continue checking in, by name. just to say hi, to make sure the new member feels seen.
- Watch for the moment when social bonds form. Once the new person has 1–3 relationships rooted in trust and belonging, they no longer need the door greeter’s support. The Culture of Connection™ has been made. Move on to the next new person.
This Isn’t Just About Churches
What happened with my mom is a real story, but it’s also a cautionary tale.
How often do we do this in our own teams, organizations, and communities?
Someone new shows up. We assume they’ll speak up. We wait for them to opt in. And when they don’t, we say “they just didn’t want to engage.”
No, they were just never probably engaged by the leaders.
Connection is never built passively. It’s an act of intention. A system. A culture.
Your Call to Action
If you lead a community, whether it’s a church, a company, or a committee, the responsibility isn’t just to build more affinity groups.
It’s to build pathways to connection for new members. Structures that bring people in, that give them the gentle nudge they need to go from “new face” to “trusted member.”
Because sometimes, the boldest thing a person can do is just show up. It’s our job to meet them at the door, and walk with them until they feel like they’re home.
