Last year, my university approved the creation of an Arts and Cultural Enrichment Series (ACES): a committee focused on bringing large-scale artistic, informative, or otherwise enlightening events to campus. Earlier this semester, ACES announced Laverne Cox as their first inaugural speaker. I could not have been more excited!
As a strong advocate for trans rights and someone who has struggled to find my own identities within the LGBTQ+ community, this felt like a great opportunity for me to learn and grow. Laverne was an incredible speaker, and I wanted to share some of her wisdom with all of you.
Pick your battles
Life can be a struggle, especially if you identify within one or multiple marginalized groups. Sometimes humans just aren’t the greatest. The bad stuff piles up, and at the end of a long day, it can feel like you’ve faced so much opposition that you want to pick a fight with the next person who even looks at you the wrong way.
Laverne reminded her audience to choose their battles. Throughout her life, Laverne has faced numerous dehumanizing acts of hatred. However, because she knew who was truly important go her, Laverne picked when and where to draw certain boundaries about acceptable behavior. This helped her maintain healthy relationships and not get swallowed up by negativity.
Stick up for yourself when you’re safe to do so. Just remember that not everything needs a reaction. Sometimes walking away douses the spark, while fighting back ignites flames. Keep a clear head and do what’s best for your health and safety in any instance of bullying or violent words or actions.
Feel your feelings
Positive self-talk is hard to master. I’d be willing to bet most of us have a negative voice between our ears that feeds us a constant stream of lies. “You will never accomplish anything! You’re not good enough! Don’t even bother trying something new!”
In attempting to switch the way we talk to ourselves, a lot of us (myself included) simply try to make those voices shut up. We stuff them down into our hearts and never let them escape our lips. If we’re mad, we don’t say anything to resolve the problem. When life gets rough, and we feel down, we fake a smile and move on without giving ourselves a chance to reflect.
Laverne admitted she’s guilty of this kind of behavior too. However, she asked us to always give ourselves time to feel our feelings. “Loving myself begins with allowing myself to feel my feelings without judgement,” she said to the audience. Try to stop beating yourself up for having emotions. Feeling is a very human thing to do.
The next time you catch yourself silencing yourself or telling yourself that an emotion is silly or pointless, take a step back. Allow yourself to sit with your emotions for a moment. Do whatever you have to do to get the emotion into the world without hurting yourself or others. Breathe, and then move on. You have to feel your feelings, though–always.
“But you asked Laverne…”
During the Q&A section of her talk, someone asked Laverne how to come out to their parents. Laverne said that answers might vary, “but you asked Laverne.” After gathering details about this person’s specific situation, she seamlessly imparted her wisdom.
This part of the event stuck with me because coming out is a controversial topic. It can be dangerous for some people to be out in their communities, so telling everyone to be as out as possible is not a one-size-fits-all solution. However, some people suffer under the weight of not being public about their identities. How do you handle all the variables while still being helpful?
Following Laverne’s example, you acknowledge the possibilities. You give people as many of the solutions that could apply to them. If you know some people might disagree with what you’d do in a situation, you be honest with your advisee, and throw on, “but you asked me,” at the end. Ultimately, everyone makes their own decisions. “But you asked Laverne,” so you’re getting her opinion. Take it or leave it.
Before you give, make sure your glass is overflowing
A lot of us are guilty of giving more of our time and energy to projects or people than we give to ourselves. If you’ve ever experienced any kind of emotional or mental burnout, then you know the feeling. We’re exhausted, we’re overbooked, and we probably need to take a vacation. Will we, though? Of course not. There’s too much work to be done to leave now!
Laverne encouraged everyone in the audience to be giving, charitable, and philanthropic. However, she cautioned against giving too much of yourself. Her advice used a metaphor where we are all cups. She encouraged us to fill ourselves up to the brim, and only give what’s overflowing.
To me, this means taking care of myself before seeing how I can change the world. This means taking time in the morning to center myself, to set some goals, and to be alone before I give all my energy to other people. This also means setting up specific days or weekends where I do nothing but read, visit my mom, and hang out with my cat. Baths usually make appearances on these days too.
We live in a world that celebrates working ourselves to the bone. As Laverne put it, though, flight attendants always tell you to put your oxygen mask on before anyone else’s. You can’t be as helpful as possible if you don’t take care of yourself first. If you’re showing up to work at with a half-empty tank, how can you possibly give your all to your team that day?
Hanging out with Laverne Cox would have been amazing enough. Luckily, though, hundreds of my peers and mentors and I got to listen to her humorous and solid life advice. What I learned from Laverne boils down to this: stay true to yourself.
Know yourself well enough to walk away when you need to, and to stick up for yourself when it’s necessary. Stop judging your feelings, and train the inner voice in your head to be loving and gentle. Give your educated opinion without saying sorry. And perhaps most importantly, make sure your glass is overflowing before you try to share it with anyone else.
Thank you, ACES and Laverne, for an amazing experience! What would you ask Laverne if you had the chance?
